The Single Speak Decoders

What HE  really means:

• House trained -  I’m sick and tired of having to clean up after myself.
• Easygoing: I’m a total slob and I leave the toilet seat up.
• Relaxed: My idea of a date is sitting on the sofa with the remote control and watching the football.
• Neat and Tidy: Anal retentive.
• Looking for someone to spoil (1): Chocolates, flowers and romantic dinners while we’re dating, then you get to spoil me for the rest of your life.
• Looking for somebody to spoil (2): I’m not wasting my money on any woman who isn’t young and gorgeous.
• Kids OK: MY kids, not YOUR kids.
• Ready for commitment: My pathological commitment-phobia keeps frightening women off.
• I want a woman who isn’t a gold digger: I’m so poor you’d be wasting your time.
• Bigger than his job: At work, I’m a failure.
• Soh or gsoh (sense of humour or great sense of humour): Somebody once told me I was "a joke".
• Wacky sense of humour: Nobody laughs at my jokes.
• Wicked sense of humour: I enjoy pulling the wings off flies.
• Sensual: I have a dirty mind.
• Open minded: I’d eventually like to have sex with all your girlfriends as well as with you. Later, maybe even with your pets….
• Urbane: Phoney.
• Confident: Believe me, baby, I’m kewel….
• Well groomed: I use my own hair mousse, but I’ll fight you for the blow dryer.
• Fun: Wishful thinking. I’m a bore.
• Persistent: If you try to dump me I’ll stalk you.
• Likeable: I appeal to pets and small children.
• Affectionate: I grope other women in public.
• Forthright: If I think you’re fat and ugly, I’ll say so…
• Intense: I demand lots of attention.
• Playful: Can I borrow your vibrator?
• Enthusiastic: I snort when I laugh.
• Adventurous: I spend weekends scuba diving with my buddies.
• Generous: I’ll bear the ENTIRE fuel cost when we go out in my car.
• Computer literate: The reason I don’t have a life is that I spend all my time on the Internet.
• Let’s chat. Not on the phone, silly. Let’s find an Internet chat room and type at each other.
• Flesh meet: Anywhere else, this would mean sex, but on the Internet it means meeting in person.
• Trusting Not very bright.
• Look younger than my age: I’m looking for a much younger woman.
• Enjoy walks along the beach: I’m too cheap to take you to the beachside restaurant.
• Treats women as equals: You can pay for dinner and drive home when we’ve had a few drinks.
• Seeking soul mate: My last two wives dumped me.
• Attractive: My Mom never lies...
• Romantic: I might send you virtual flowers or a cyber greeting card.
• Cuddly: Fat.
• Loves to cuddle: Impotent.
• Loves to unwind: I drink too much, then fall about.
• I drink occasionally: I drink regularly.
• I drink regularly: I’m an alcoholic.
• Culturally attuned: I frequent Asian prostitutes.
• Carefree: Don’t expect fidelity.
• Articulate: You can’t shut me up.
• Sincere: Weak.
• Sensitive: I have a really small dick.
• Spontaneous: I fart in public.
• Introverted I fart silently, in the dead of night.
• Shy: Silent.
• Honest(1): Tactless.
• Honest(2): Too clever to be caught out.
• Reliable: Boring.
• Relaxed: Usually drunk.
• Witty: I laugh at my own jokes.
• Creative: I’d rather colour in the pictures than read the text.
• Well travelled: My wife left me because I was never home.
• Athletic build: In my dreams…
• Receding hairline Bald.
• Financially secure: Employed.
• Self Employed: Nobody else would.
• Like to take life as it comes: Unemployed.
• Own home: It’s such a dump my ex-wife didn’t even want it

Copyright Teresa Mannix 1998.

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